


Ain't nobody got time for wrong numbers

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bad Puns, Falling In Love, M/M, Memes, Textfic, Texting, literally crack af, thirst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2016-11-26
Packaged: 2018-07-19 11:20:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 12,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7359211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>23:48 He be rollin to the beat <br/>To the everyday folks I'm Matsukawa Issei, but u can call me m'pal</p><p>23:48 Creampuff <br/>But I'm also an everyday folk?</p><p>23:48 He be rollin to the beat <br/>Well this isn't going to plan </p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Here come dat boi

**Author's Note:**

> Aka I wrote this at 3 in the morning at school camp idek

23:43 Creampuff   
Iwaizumi Is2g if u don't get that fk loser out of here I'll break u both

23:43 Creampuff   
It's too late for that blind date bs now

23:45 He be rollin to the beat   
Ey sorry but I'm not Iwaizumi like I think u got wrong number m'pal

23:45 Creampuff   
Did u just m'pal 

23:45 Creampuff   
When's our wedding

23:46 He be rollin to the beat   
Idk I love autumn so take that into consideration

23:46 Creampuff   
Babe it's winter it'll be a while before u have ur autumn wedding 

23:46 He be rollin to the beat   
Babe

23:46 Creampuff   
B A B E

23:46 He be rollin to the beat   
But anyway before we wed each other what's ur name?

23:46 Creampuff   
Do I trust a stranger like u with this valuable info?

23:46 He be rollin to the beat   
Babe you're literally my fiancé

23:47 Creampuff   
True tho 

23:47 Creampuff   
I should add that I luv ur chatname bc who doesn't want some dat boi

23:47 He be rollin to the beat   
OH SHIT WADDUP

23:47 He be rollin to the beat   
But creampuffs are really good 2

23:48 Creampuff   
Nothing better than a proper creampuff

23:48 He be rollin to the beat   
But babe what ur name 

23:48 Creampuff   
Call me Hanamaki Takahiro

23:48 He be rollin to the beat   
To the everyday folks I'm Matsukawa Issei, but u can call me m'pal

23:48 Creampuff   
But I'm also an everyday folk?

23:48 He be rollin to the beat   
Well this isn't going to plan 

23:48 Creampuff   
Rip Mattsun 

23:49 He be rollin to the beat   
Are u a girl bc then I apologize for my behavior

23:49 Creampuff  
Damn u racist now I'm a guy

23:49 He be rollin to the beat   
Then why that sissy nickname

23:49 Creampuff  
That was Oikawa's initiative 

23:49 He be rollin to the beat   
Oh snap who's Oikawa is it a gf

23:50 Creampuff   
Do I look like I can boyfriend 

23:50 He be rollin to the beat   
Idk m'pal I can't see u after all

23:50 Creampuff   
The answer is no btw

23:50 He be rollin to the beat   
Just a friend then 

23:50 Creampuff   
No Oikawa is like a "friend" bc he's annoying 24/7 and he's trying 2 make me blind date

23:50 He be rollin to the beat   
Oh is he also the guy u wanted to tell that Iwaizumi about?

23:50 Creampuff   
Yea but I have new phone so I just kinda guessed Iwaizumi's number since Oikawa was a lil bitch and refused to give me the number

23:50 He be rollin to the beat   
And this Oikawa calls me Mattsun?

23:50 Creampuff   
Don't worry he has them nicknames 4 everyone 

23:51 He be rollin to the beat   
Damn here I was thinking I was special.

23:51 Creampuff   
Sorry bro 

23:51 He be rollin to the beat   
Dude

23:51 Creampuff  
Buddy 

23:51 He be rollin to the beat   
Anyway do I have 2 save u?

23:51 Creampuff   
Nah, but Oikawa is laughing now bc he's reading everything and thinks u r my prince or whatever 

23:52 He be rollin to the beat   
Get ready 2 b disappointed then

23:52 Creampuff   
"You guys match so well" dude U literally have a crush on ur best friend ur not the love expert here

23:52 He be rollin to the beat   
Oh sick burn

23:52 Creampuff   
Damn he read that astdfghjnbduutd

23:52 He be rollin to the beat   
M'pal are you okay?

23:55 He be rollin to the beat   
Ok this is rlly concerning 

23:56 He be rollin to the beat   
Did he rape/murder u?

23:57 He be rollin to the beat   
Ok so I gtg rip my dear friend

00:11 Creampuff   
Update: I'm alive don't worry my bro

00:11 He be rollin to the beat   
Eyyy good job

00:11 Creampuff   
Ain't nobody got time for rape

00:11 Creampuff   
Tho Oikawa is pretty strong bc his "friend" Iwaizumi is literally the arm wrestling champ

00:11 Creampuff   
Like those arms need protection m'pal 

00:12 He be rollin to the beat   
Send me a pic sometime bc now I'm curious

00:12 Creampuff   
[Image attached]

00:12 He be rollin to the beat   
Holy fk shit u actually have a pic and damn it's good

00:12 Creampuff   
Yea like Oikawa has a map in his photo gallery with only Iwaizumi arm pics

00:13 He be rollin to the beat   
Even tho that Oikawa sounds shady af I agree with him here

00:13 Creampuff   
Yea I'd want to be Oikawa just for those arms pics 

00:13 He be rollin to the beat   
Anyway I rlly gtg now bc it's late and I need my beauty sleep for tomorrow 

00:13 Creampuff   
Oh what u doing tomorrow then

00:14 He be rollin to the beat   
Your mom

00:14 Creampuff   
DAMN SON

00:14 Creampuff   
Well have fun in the family I hope she introduces u soon

00:14 He be rollin to the beat   
No but 4 real I have a test

00:14 Creampuff   
Oh good luck 

00:14 He be rollin to the beat   
Thx

00:14 Creampuff   
See u soon m'pal 

00:15 He be rollin to the beat   
See u soon my dear bud


	2. Oh damn it's the muscle man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 10:25 He be rollin to the beat   
> And what u do in free time?
> 
> 10:25 Creampuff   
> Eating, being a meme whore, chilling, gaming, some bitches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all should be thanked for the nice reactions this got! Bless you~

10:21 He be rollin to the beat   
Ey m'pal u awake?

10:23 Creampuff  
I'm always awake 4 my meme bro

10:23 He be rollin to the beat   
Ur my OTB already 

10:23 He be rollin to the beat   
One True Bro

10:24 Creampuff   
Bro I'm tearing up 

10:24 He be rollin to the beat   
Ohohohoho

10:24 Creampuff   
Bro u know me u can't do this 

10:24 He be rollin to the beat   
But I actually don't rlly know u that well

10:24 Creampuff  
Damn ur right

10:24 Creampuff   
Well I'm 17 to start off

10:25 He be rollin to the beat   
I'm ur senpai then

10:25 He be rollin to the beat   
I'm 18

10:25 Creampuff   
Oh well then grandpa

10:25 He be rollin to the beat   
Oh well then small child 

10:25 He be rollin to the beat   
And what u do in free time?

10:25 Creampuff   
Eating, being a meme whore, chilling, gaming, some bitches

10:25 He be rollin to the beat   
Eyyyy me too

10:26 Creampuff   
Babe we're perfect

10:26 He be rollin to the beat   
Ikr 

10:26 He be rollin to the beat   
Btw how did the Oikawa crisis end

10:26 Creampuff   
Iwaizumi saved me after all

10:26 He be rollin to the beat   
Oh damn it's the muscle man

10:26 Creampuff   
Muscle man could do so much better than Oikawa tho 

10:26 He be rollin to the beat   
Oikawa still sounds shady 

10:27 Creampuff   
He is

10:27 Creampuff   
He has a folder with Iwaizumi pics, thinks aliens exist, plays love live intensively, has expensive high quality hair products, will demolish people he hates and that's just the begin

10:27 He be rollin to the beat   
Damn he's intense 

10:27 He be rollin to the beat   
And that's the guy u trust ur love life to?

10:27 Creampuff  
I never did

10:28 Creampuff   
He just decided that I am single and ready 2 mingle randomly 

10:28 He be rollin to the beat   
U aren't?

10:28 Creampuff   
Not when Oikawa is in charge

10:28 Creampuff  
He couples me with the worst guys ever

10:28 Creampuff   
I want my love 2 be like a broship not some awkward whatever 

10:28 He be rollin to the beat   
Um sorry if this is weird but like r u actually gay then

10:28 Creampuff  
Hell yeah

10:28 He be rollin to the beat   
Oh man me 2 actually 

10:28 He be rollin to the beat   
That's means u r my gaybe

10:28 Creampuff   
Gaybe?

10:28 He be rollin to the beat   
Gay+Babe

10:29 Creampuff   
Bro that's a work of art

10:29 Creampuff   
Sign it and place it in a museum 

10:29 He be rollin to the beat   
Dude I can't even draw a box do u think I can handle museums

10:29 Creampuff  
Same 

10:30 Creampuff   
Hey is this Mattsun?

10:30 He be rollin to the beat   
I'm the one and only meme bro Mattsun yeah

10:30 Creampuff   
Holy shit you and makki fit so well *^*

10:30 He be rollin to the beat   
And ur Oikawa rite?

10:30 Creampuff   
Yup~ I'm actually running away from makki now

10:31 Creampuff   
Ok I locked myself into the toilet I'm good ^_^

10:31 He be rollin to the beat   
Is my gaybe okay?

10:31 Creampuff  
Yeah makki is fine

10:31 Creampuff   
Anyway you know about the blind date I'm organizing for your dear makki?

10:31 He be rollin to the beat   
Yah

10:31 Creampuff   
Well how about 

10:31 Creampuff   
OH HOLY SHIT NO

10:32 Creampuff   
Asefvioefwwtvbkurdc

10:32 He be rollin to the beat   
Oikawa u good?

10:32 Creampuff   
Iwaizumi speaking. I apologize profusely for shittykawa's behavior. 

10:33 He be rollin to the beat   
Oh it's the muscle Man U toned af mate I'm jealous of those glorious arms

10:33 Creampuff   
…

10:33 Creampuff   
I'm beating up Hanamaki right now.

10:33 He be rollin to the beat   
Oh damn rip

10:45 Creampuff   
Dude I'm back

10:45 Creampuff   
I gtg now bc it's still a mess here but I'm still alive

10:45 He be rollin to the beat   
Good luck Makki~ 

10:45 Creampuff   
I TRUSTED YOU


	3. GET KINKY WITH ME IWA-CHAN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 13:52 He be rollin to the beat   
> I want 2 marry "Iwa-chan" now 
> 
> 13:52 He be rollin to the beat  
> Or as Oikawa would put it: GET KINKY WITH ME IWA-CHAN
> 
> 13:53 Creampuff   
> Dude did u forget our marriage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why do y'all like this trash
> 
> Btw feel free to visit [my tumblr](http://oikawatooruismyfetish.tumblr.com/)

13:32 The best guy you will ever meet   
Iwa-chan?

13:33 Text me if you're not Oikawa   
Can't you read?

13:33 The best guy you will ever meet   
Iwa-chan, can't we talk about all the dirty things I want to do to you ;)

13:33 Text me if you're not Oikawa   
Hm.

13:33 Text me if you're not Oikawa   
I want to start.

13:33 Text me if you're not Oikawa   
I'd do all sorts of bad things to you. 

13:33 The best guy you will ever meet   
I-Iwa-chan? 

13:34 Text me if you're not Oikawa   
When I'd see you, my hand would go into my trousers.

13:34 The best guy you will ever meet   
IWA-CHAN YOU LOVE ME AFTER ALL YOU'RE SO DIRTY AND PERVERTED GET KINKY WITH ME IWA-CHAN 

13:34 Text me if you're not Oikawa   
And then grab a knife. 

13:34 Text me if you're not Oikawa   
To slit your stupid throat.

13:34 The best guy you will ever meet   
IWA-CHAN NO

13:34 Text me if you're not Oikawa   
Bye, you perverted asshole Shittykawa.

[Text me if you're not Oikawa blocked The best guy you will ever meet]

\---------------------------------------

13:50 Creampuff  
Send help 

13:50 He be rollin to the beat   
Damn what happened

13:50 Creampuff   
Oikawa got shut down rlly hard by Iwaizumi and now he needs "support".

13:51 He be rollin to the beat   
Oh shit 

13:51 Creampuff  
Wait ill send pics 

13:51 He be rollin to the beat   
;)

13:52 Creampuff   
[Image attached]

13:52 Creampuff   
[Image attached]

13:52 He be rollin to the beat   
OH MY GOD WHERE'S THE FIREFIGHTER

13:52 He be rollin to the beat   
THIS IS MORE THAN A BURN ITS A WILDFIRE

13:52 He be rollin to the beat   
I want 2 marry "Iwa-chan" now 

13:52 He be rollin to the beat  
Or as Oikawa would put it: GET KINKY WITH ME IWA-CHAN

13:53 Creampuff   
Dude did u forget our marriage

13:53 He be rollin to the beat   
Oh damn sorry gaybe

13:53 Creampuff   
U better be mpal 

13:53 Creampuff  
I'll let u know that I can b a damn good yandere

13:53 He be rollin to the beat   
Oh fuck no not the yandere 

13:53 He be rollin to the beat   
I'm so sorry my dear meme bro

13:54 Creampuff  
Apologies accepted

13:54 He be rollin to the beat   
Phew

13:54 He be rollin to the beat   
Besides Oikawa and Iwaizumi, who are ur other friends

13:54 Creampuff   
A literal Creampuff but will murder you guy and a gangster af type who only listens to Iwaizumi 

13:55 He be rollin to the beat   
Is ur squad ever not intense?

13:55 Creampuff   
Nah

13:55 Creampuff  
And urs?

13:55 He be rollin to the beat   
I have this guy who's kinda everyone's kouhai, a 100000% done with ur bs guy and just a regular one who's backing everything up.

13:55 Creampuff   
Pretty neat if I may say so?

13:55 He be rollin to the beat   
I'm only satisfied with the finest 

13:55 Creampuff   
;)

13:55 He be rollin to the beat  
Dude u can't just sext in the afternoon 

13:55 He be rollin to the beat   
Oikawa tried it and look what happened 2 him

13:56 Creampuff   
Oh sorry gaybe 

13:56 He be rollin to the beat   
It's okay m'pal

13:56 He be rollin to the beat   
U may have sinned but I forgive u

13:56 Creampuff   
O lord Mattsun, my precious life I had already handeth to the dark depths of despair. Thou kindness haveth saved the life of a mere commoner like me, and my gratefulness stretcheth kilometers long.

13:56 He be rollin to the beat   
Is it just me or is that a bit dramatic 

13:56 Creampuff   
Oikawa taught me so it must be

13:56 He be rollin to the beat   
Damn Oikawa, back at it again with the drama 

13:57 Creampuff   
He's still crying btw

13:57 He be rollin to the beat   
Iwaizumi savage af

13:57 Creampuff  
All day every day

13:57 Creampuff  
Oh snap Oikawa locked himself in the bathroom crying again I need 2 check on him

13:57 He be rollin to the beat   
Ok good luck my friend

\---------------------------------------

13:58 The best guy you will ever meet   
This is Mattsun, right?

13:58 He be rollin to the beat   
Oikawa again? Damn u persistent

13:58 The best guy you will ever meet   
Yeah it's one of my best qualities ^.^

13:58 The best guy you will ever meet   
Anyway, have you thought about meeting up with Makki once?

13:59 He be rollin to the beat   
Not rlly?

13:59 The best guy you will ever meet   
Well I actually know for a fact that Makki wants to meet up with you~

13:59 He be rollin to the beat   
He never said anything like that 2 me tho 

13:59 The best guy you will ever meet   
That's because he's insecure you won't like the real him *^*

14:00 He be rollin to the beat   
Oh damn rlly wtf 

14:00 The best guy you will ever meet   
Don't worry, I'll help y'all and make it easier.

14:00 The best guy you will ever meet   
Is it okay if I give you my address so we can talk my plan through?

14:00 He be rollin to the beat   
…

14:00 He be rollin to the beat   
Ok fine

14:00 The best guy you will ever meet   
[Location attached]

14:00 The best guy you will ever meet   
Got to go now, we'll stay in touch ^o^

14:00 He be rollin to the beat   
See u 


	4. Congrats you fucked up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 16:14 Creampuff   
> Dude I just legit met my crush
> 
> 16:14 Creampuff   
> He was so f ing cute
> 
> 16:14 Creampuff  
> I need support

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOME PLOT FOR Y'ALL SWEET PPL WHO LEAVE KUDOS LIKE WTF 93 ALREADY???

Matsukawa took a good look at the house he was facing. It wasn't anything special, unlike Oikawa himself. Somehow Matsukawa felt nervous. Hanamaki's stories had given him a good image of Oikawa: flamboyant, dramatic, whiny and a womanizer. He wasn't sure what Oikawa's "plan" really was, since the guy had refused to tell him anything over text, so he had absolutely no idea what to expect. Matsukawa finally walked up to the door and rung the bell. 

Ten seconds passed, but then the door was finally opened by a guy around Matsukawa's age. And even though he wasn't what Matsukawa was expecting at all, he was… hot. Yeah, hot. There was no other way to describe it. Short and pinkish hair, sharp but beautiful eyes, a fine face without even the tiniest pimple or spot, and a crooked smirk to top it off. Matsukawa never really had a "type", but this was it. Why hadn't Hanamaki told him that Oikawa was THIS stunning? Then he could at least have prepared a little instead of standing there at a loss for words. Man, he really needed a paper bag to breathe in.   
Inhale, exhale, inhale… No, that would make him look like an even bigger idiot! Just as Matsukawa wanted to say something, Oikawa started talking: "Hm? Who are you then? I'm sorry but I don't want to buy anything, really. Unless it has memes involved."   
He. Liked. Memes. Oh. My. God.  
Matsukawa never knew he was an asthma patient, but he really should check up on it soon. His chest felt tight, as if a giant hand kept it pressed down. "U-um, Oikawa, it's me."   
Oikawa's face twisted to confused and a tad annoyed. "Oikawa? Oh, what did that little shit put me up to now? I swear to god that I'll wreck his ass if he subscribed me to another alien fan club."  
Matsukawa really needed some time to process that sentence. The guy seemed to claim that he wasn't Oikawa now? It could be family, but then why act so weird?  
"You… aren't Oikawa?" The pink-haired-guy-that-wasn't-Oikawa-apparently, shook his head."No, I'm not. My name is Hanamaki."

Oh no he didn't. Was this a sick joke? Thanks Oikawa, Matsukawa thought bitterly, you ruined my life.  
This meant one thing: Matsukawa was legit crushing on his meme bro. Of all people, Hanamaki had to be the one. His prince in shining armor, his love at first sight, his fateful encounter, The One. Actually, now that Matsukawa thought about it: how did he look?  
Hadn't he just thrown on whatever clothes he could find? Was that pimple still there?! And his hair, did it actually look okay for once?  
At that moment Matsukawa realized that he had been quiet for a little too long now, allowing an awkward silence to form. He could either properly introduce or lie his way out of there. He knew what was the better one.  
"Oh, I'm Kindaichi Yuutarou. I'm an acquaintance of Oikawa. He told me this was his address, but it seems it was a prank. Sorry to bother, I'll get going then.Bye!"   
And with those lies Matsukawa turned around and sprinted away.

"Why the fuck you lying? Why you always lying? Mmmm oh my god, stop fucking lying!"

Matsukawa wasn't sure if he played this song to himself or to Oikawa, but at this point he didn't even want to think about it. He was only sure of three things at this point in time:

1\. I'm a filthy liar.  
2\. Oikawa is a filthy liar.  
3\. I'm in love with my meme bro who's also the prettiest person ever alive.

Really, how did things even get this out of hand? It seemed like Karma herself was happily fucking this up for Matsukawa. And really, what was left for him now? Could he even text Hanamaki now, let alone see him again? Was he still able to act the same around Hanamaki? 

\---------------------------------------

16:14 He be rollin to the beat   
I'll s2g I'll personally drag u into hell u little shit

16:14 The best guy you will ever meet   
Heyyyy dear Mattsun~ did it went well ;)

16:14 He be rollin to the beat   
Don't u dare even talk 2 me

16:14 The best guy you will ever meet   
Is that a no 0-0?

That was when Matsukawa froze. Hanamaki had texted him. And it wasn't a regular text.   
\---------------------------------------

16:14 Creampuff   
Dude I just legit met my crush

16:14 Creampuff   
He was so f ing cute

16:14 Creampuff  
I need support

\---------------------------------------  
With a yelp Matsukawa threw his phone to the other side of the bed, where it landed on his doge body pillow. He held his other hand in front of his mouth, in a state of ultimate shock. "Congrats, you fucked up," he whispered,


	5. DID U JUST SASS ME?!?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 18:07 Creampuff   
> We should meet up soon
> 
> 18:07 He be rollin to the beat  
> Oh shit waddup
> 
> 18:07 Creampuff   
> Oh hell no not even dat boi will save u

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that's it so short! *sweats nervously* at least I tried?

17:54 Text me if you're not Oikawa  
Are you sure you're doing the right thing?

17:54 The best guy you will ever meet  
Of course ^.^ I'm the love expert after all! I got Kyouken-chan and Yahaba-chan together, didn't I?

17:55 Text me if you're not Oikawa  
They broke up.

17:55 The best guy you will ever meet   
RUDE IWA-CHAN 0-0 and I'll let you know I'm well on my way to get them back together!

17:55 Text me if you're not Oikawa  
Did one of them ask you to do that?

17:55 The best guy you will ever meet   
They both want to!

17:55 Text me if you're not Oikawa   
…Thats a no, then.

17:55 The best guy you will ever meet   
I'm only doing what's best for them *^* 

17:55 Text me if you're not Oikawa   
No you're not. Also, don't use those unnecessary emoticons again. They only take up space.

17:56 The best guy you will ever meet   
{} {}  
\-------

17:56 Text me if you're not Oikawa   
Ok bye.

17:56 The best guy you will ever meet   
Iwa-chan?

17:56 The best guy you will ever meet   
IWA-CHAN NO

[Text me if you're not Oikawa blocked The best guy you will ever meet]

Oikawa sighed and putted down his phone. Even though Iwaizumi had these moments often, it didn't change the fact that they were annoying and somehow made Oikawa a little sad. It was weird, maybe even a little childish that it hurts him like this whenever Iwaizumi blocked him again, but he couldn't help it. It was an immediate response. He sighed once more and closed his eyes, slipping away in his dreams.

\---------------------------------------

18:03 He be rollin to the beat   
EYYY good luck bud 

That was Matsukawa's response. He couldn't help but feel it was forced. Was this how he was usually talking? Was it natural enough? However, his worries seemed to be in vain because Hanamaki (it was weird having a name and face to his chat partner now) replied straight away. 

18:03 Creampuff   
Thx m'pal, I'll need it

18:03 Creampuff   
I rlly doubt if some1 as pretty as him will even notice me

18:03 Creampuff   
Pls notice me Rou-senpai

18:03 He be rollin to the beat   
Rou-senpai?

18:03 Creampuff   
Yeah his full name is Kindaichi Yuutarou

18:04 Creampuff   
Rou-kun sounds rlly cute tho

18:04 Creampuff   
Man I hope I can see him soon

18:04 He be rollin to the beat   
Yeah I hope so for u

18:04 Creampuff   
I just imagine we'd meet again at the beach or so

18:04 Creampuff  
#TOPLESSTHIRST

18:04 Creampuff   
But it's gonna rain for a while 

18:05 He be rollin to the beat   
Well damn, I can't control the weather Maki

18:05 Creampuff  
DID U JUST

18:05 Creampuff   
SASS ME?!?!?!

18:05 Creampuff   
IN MY TIME OF GRIEF AND NEED?!?!

18:05 He be rollin to the beat   
I cry, just a little

18:06 Creampuff   
STOP

18:06 Creampuff   
U MONSTER

18:06 Creampuff   
DON'T U FEEL PITY

18:06 He be rollin to the beat   
Day 343: they still don't know I can't feel bc I'm in fact dead inside 

18:06 Creampuff  
Damn

18:06 Creampuff   
Y do u do this 2 me

18:06 Creampuff   
What did I do wrong?

18:06 He be rollin to the beat  
"23:46 :Do I trust a stranger with that valuable info?"

18:06 Creampuff   
THAT WAS A JOKE

18:06 He be rollin to the beat   
If u say so

18:07 Creampuff   
MATTSUN NO

18:07 He be rollin to the beat   
Mattsun yes

18:07 Creampuff   
DON'T U REMEMBER ALL THE GOOD TIMES WE SHARED

18:07 He be rollin to the beat   
Ohohohohohohohoho

18:07 Creampuff   
;)

18:07 Creampuff  
U know what

18:07 He be rollin to the beat  
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly?

18:07 Creampuff   
Bro I love u

18:07 Creampuff  
So that's why

18:07 Creampuff   
We should meet up soon

18:07 He be rollin to the beat  
Oh shit waddup

18:07 Creampuff   
Oh hell no not even dat boi will save u

18:07 Creampuff   
We gonna meet up and wreck this town 

18:08 He be rollin to the beat   
But lets do it safe 

18:08 Creampuff   
;) we will

18:08 He be rollin to the beat   
Ok so I'll keep u posted on when I'm free but I gtg now

18:08 Creampuff   
Have a good day gayby

18:08 He be rollin to the beat   
Um

18:08 Creampuff  
Gay+Baby

18:08 He be rollin to the beat   
If that's what ur into

18:08 He be rollin to the beat   
;)

18:08 Creampuff  
;)


	6. We even had to nod exchange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 20:34 Creampuff  
> Guess what
> 
> 20:34 He be rollin to the beat   
> Iwaizumi told Oikawa to lay on the floor and he did it, THE ABSOLUTE MADMAN!¡!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is life for me to write this

20:34 Creampuff  
Guess what

20:34 He be rollin to the beat   
Iwaizumi told Oikawa to lay on the floor and he did it, THE ABSOLUTE MADMAN!!!

20:34 Creampuff  
Bro that's like my fave meme and u somehow made it better 

20:34 Creampuff   
But no

20:34 Creampuff   
I'm in fact preparing 4 Oikawa's "blind date"

20:34 Creampuff   
I rlly have doubts

20:34 He be rollin to the beat   
Gaybe it'll be alright

20:34 He be rollin to the beat   
Unless ur date is Bokuto 

20:34 Creampuff   
Bokuto, wasn't he the 1 that burned his classroom down with a lucifer?

20:35 He be rollin to the beat   
Yeah that guy 

20:35 Creampuff   
He seems pretty fun

20:35 He be rollin to the beat   
But he needs this other guy 2 babysit him 24/7

20:35 Creampuff  
Oh damn babysitting brings back lots of memories

20:35 He be rollin to the beat  
Should I b alarmed or

20:35 Creampuff  
Aside from Oikawa I am the worst babysitter ever

20:35 Creampuff   
I dropped the baby multiple times

20:36 He be rollin to the beat   
And Oikawa is worse?

20:36 Creampuff  
I dropped the kid bc I'm clumsy af when it comes to baby's, Oikawa dropped him on purpose bc it was "reminding him of his enemy Tobio-chan: annoying, loud and ugly."

20:36 He be rollin to the beat   
WTF IS WRONG WITH OIKAWA

20:36 Creampuff   
Literally anything 

20:36 Creampuff   
But I think Iwaizumi has the full list

20:36 Creampuff  
He also has a list with everything Oikawa ever failed doing

20:36 Creampuff   
And a list with Oikawa blackmail material 

20:36 He be rollin to the beat  
Damn

20:37 Creampuff   
Anyway bro I kinda gtg I don't wanna miss the date

20:37 Creampuff   
I kinda do bc Oikawa remains really shady

20:37 He be rollin to the beat   
Good luck bro

20:37 Creampuff   
I'll need it

\---------------------------------------

21:14 Creampuff  
I CAN'T BELIEVE

21:14 He be rollin to the beat   
On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad

21:14 Creampuff  
IT'S OVER 9000

21:14 He be rollin to the beat   
Holy shit what happened 

21:14 Creampuff  
IT'S USHIWAKA

21:15 He be rollin to the beat   
Ushiwaka?

21:15 Creampuff  
OIKAWA'S STALKER AND OUR SQUADS RIVAL

21:15 He be rollin to the beat   
OHHHHHH SHIT

21:15 Creampuff  
HE KEEPS PUSHING ME 2 SAY THINGS ABOUT OIKAWA

21:15 He be rollin to the beat   
Wait, did Oikawa srsly contact his stalker/rival just 2 do this

21:15 Creampuff  
Yeah welcome 2 knowing Oikawa

21:16 Creampuff  
Y'know what I'll lie through my fk teeth and spill all of Oikawa's secrets that I just made up

21:16 He be rollin to the beat   
Do u want me to call u 2 escape from ushi after that?

21:16 Creampuff  
BRO YES YES YES PLEASE DO

21:30 Creampuff  
U r free 2 call m'pal 

\---------------------------------------

"Here come dat boi, oh shit waddup." As soon as Hanamaki's phone began to rang, he picked it up. "Hey," he started casually. "Bro be glad," Matsukawa responded. Hanamaki immediately thought that he liked Matsukawa's voice: it reminded him of something though, something he wasn't able to figure out. "I am," he responded. "Ok, I'll hang now, pretend to fake phone. JUST DO IT!" And with that Matsukawa hung up. Hanamaki still continued with a: "What?! No, you didn't! I'll come over now! Stay safe!"  
Finally, he "hung up" as well. "What is the matter," Ushijima asked in a plain voice. "Oh, not that much. Oikawa got another dildo stuck in his ass. Happens more often, but I still need to check. Sorry man."  
Ushijima shook his head, not seeming thT fazed. It's okay. I understand your hurry. I look forward to meeting again.   
And with a nod exchange between the two, Hanamaki left.

\---------------------------------------

21:40 Creampuff  
Thx bro u saved me

21:40 He be rollin to the beat   
Did my good deed 4 this life

21:40 Creampuff   
I mean I hate ushiwaka

21:40 Creampuff   
We even had to nod exchange 

21:41 He be rollin to the beat   
NO

21:41 He be rollin to the beat  
Ew not the nods

21:41 Creampuff  
Anyway Gtg rlly thanks!

21:41 He be rollin to the beat   
No problem 

\---------------------------------------

21:45 The best guy you will ever meet   
MAKKI TF DID U DO

21:45 The best guy you will ever meet   
MAAAAAAAAAKKI

21:45 The best guy you will ever meet  
WHAT DID I EVER DO WRONG

21:45 Creampuff  
[Image attached]

21:46 The best guy you will ever meet   
IS THAT THE LIST OF MY FAILS 

21:46 Creampuff  
Yeah the 1 Iwaizumi made 

21:46 The best guy you will ever meet   
STOP I'VE SUFFERED ENOUGH

21:46 Creampuff  
:)


	7. Damn I'm out of bro puns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 21:36 Creampuff  
> DO U HAVE THE SPECIAL WATCH
> 
> 21:36 He be rollin to the beat   
> OFC I HAVE THE SPECIAL WATCH DO U THINK IM SO LOWLIFE TRAINER UR TALKING 2 THE ONE TRUE POKEMON MASTER HERE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I had like one of the worst weeks ever this may be a crap chapter just saying

21:32 He be rollin to the beat  
Hiro?

21:32 Creampuff   
Matsu?

21:32 Creampuff  
You're acting kinda shady

21:32 Creampuff  
Ain't calling me baby 

21:32 Creampuff  
Why the sudden change 

21:32 He be rollin to the beat  
This is why I love u

21:32 Creampuff  
Ikr I should b president

21:32 He be rollin to the beat   
I'd vote 4 u anytime

21:33 Creampuff   
Bro thx 4 the support

21:33 Creampuff  
But what is it that u want 2 say

21:33 He be rollin to the beat   
Are u free on Saturday evening

21:33 Creampuff  
I am, why u asking

21:33 He be rollin to the beat   
Can I come over 2 meet u

21:33 Creampuff  
Ohohohoho 

21:34 Creampuff  
Yes u can ;)

21:34 Creampuff  
I can't wait ;)

21:34 He be rollin to the beat  
Well ur gonna have 2 

21:34 He be rollin to the beat   
It's just 2 days anyway

21:34 Creampuff  
Still can't wait

21:35 Creampuff  
I wanna meet my meme bro irl

21:35 Creampuff   
U can't blame me

21:35 He be rollin to the beat   
Ok u have a point

21:35 Creampuff  
I always have

21:35 Creampuff  
Anyway

21:35 Creampuff  
On 2 even more important stuff

21:35 Creampuff  
DO U HAVE POKEMON GO

21:36 He be rollin to the beat  
I DO

21:36 Creampuff  
AHHHHHHHHHHH

21:36 He be rollin to the beat   
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

21:36 Creampuff  
IT'S SO GOOOD EVEN THO I HAVE LIKE 10 MAGIKARPS AND A WEEDLE

21:36 He be rollin to the beat  
ME 2

21:36 Creampuff  
DO U HAVE THE SPECIAL WATCH

21:36 He be rollin to the beat   
OFC I HAVE THE SPECIAL WATCH DO U THINK IM SO LOWLIFE TRAINER UR TALKING 2 THE ONE TRUE POKEMON MASTER HERE

21:36 Creampuff  
ASDFGHJKL I ALSO HAVE THE SPECIAL WATCH

21:37 He be rollin to the beat   
BRO

21:37 Creampuff  
BRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

21:37 He be rollin to the beat   
I WANNA B THE VERY BEST

21:37 Creampuff  
!!

21:37 Creampuff  
LIKE NO 1 EVER WAS

21:37 He be rollin to the beat   
TO CATCH THEM IS MY REAL TEST

21:37 Creampuff  
TO TRAIN THEM IS MY CAUSE

21:37 He be rollin to the beat   
I WILL TRAVEL ACROSS THE LAND SEARCHING FAR AND WIDE

21:38 Creampuff  
EACH POKEMON TO UNDERSTAND THE POWER THAT'S INSIDE

21:38 He be rollin to the beat  
POKEMON GOTTA CATCH THEM ALL

21:38 Creampuff  
IT'S U AND ME

21:38 He be rollin to the beat   
I KNOW IT'S MY DESTINY

21:38 Creampuff  
POKEMON

21:38 He be rollin to the beat  
OH UR MY BEST FRIEND

21:38 Creampuff  
IN A WORLD WE MUST DEFEND

21:39 He be rollin to the beat   
POKEMON GOTTA CATCH EM ALL

21:39 Creampuff  
A HEART SO TRUE

21:39 He be rollin to the beat  
OUR COURAGE WILL PULL US THROUGH

21:39 Creampuff  
U TEACH ME AND I TEACH U

21:39 He be rollin to the beat  
PO

21:39 Creampuff  
KE

21:39 He be rollin to the beat   
MON

21:40 Creampuff  
GOTTA CATCH EM ALL

21:40 He be rollin to the beat   
Damn that felt good

21:40 Creampuff  
I couldn't agree less

21:40 He be rollin to the beat   
I finally found my Brotom

21:40 Creampuff  
Ur my Broselia

21:40 He be rollin to the beat   
Y not Broserade

21:40 Creampuff  
Don't forget Broggenrola

21:40 He be rollin to the beat  
Ur a Browlet 2 me

21:40 Creampuff  
If u were a gym leader ud be Broxie

21:40 He be rollin to the beat   
U can b Broxanne tho

21:40 Creampuff  
Bro

21:40 He be rollin to the beat  
Bro

21:41 Creampuff  
I rlly feel like this strengthened out bond 

21:41 He be rollin to the beat  
Don't u mean our brond

21:41 Creampuff   
Bro u need 2 stop I'm getting a broverdose

21:41 He be rollin to the beat   
I was bronly trying to help u

21:41 Creampuff  
Dude stop I might get bronchitis 

21:41 He be rollin to the beat   
Aren't u broverreacting a little 

21:42 Creampuff  
No the sickness is broaming around already 

21:42 He be rollin to the beat   
Dude can I get u something before u start brotting away

21:42 Creampuff  
No I'll take the broute 2 the pharmacy myself

21:42 He be rollin to the beat  
Damn I'm out of bro puns

21:42 Creampuff   
My game is just that broken 

21:43 He be rollin to the beat   
In the end it didn't matter

21:43 Creampuff  
Remember Mattsun big bros don't cry

21:43 Creampuff  
Not even when they lose in a bro-off

21:43 He be rollin to the beat   
We will have a rematch 

21:43 He be rollin to the beat   
I'll come out on top when that happens 

21:43 Creampuff  
;)

21:44 Creampuff  
I learn something new about u every day

21:44 He be rollin to the beat   
Eyyyyy

21:44 Creampuff  
Eyyyyy

21:44 He be rollin to the beat   
Anyway, I gtg now

21:44 He be rollin to the beat   
Plan my revenge 

21:44 He be rollin to the beat   
C u Saturday

21:44 Creampuff  
Eyy c u Saturday babe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I headcanon that Makki and Mattsun are both the most obsessed Pokemon fanboys ever like whenever a trailer for sun and moon leaks they just scream non stop and they have the Pokemon theme song with them at all times like just ask them and they somehow will be able to play it within 10 seconds even when their phone has died they have ways


	8. No u didn't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 17:59 Creampuff  
> Anyway like
> 
> 17:59 Creampuff  
> It's almost Valentines Day
> 
> 17:59 Creampuff  
> U should get me a bee movie body pillow
> 
> 18:00 He be rollin to the beat   
> First up: it's the 17th of April wtf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is this who am I why do I do this can't I be less of a meme whore

17:54 Creampuff  
Bro

17:54 Creampuff  
Instead of meeting at my house can't we go at this good club I know

17:54 He be rollin to the beat   
I'm not against it

17:54 He be rollin to the beat   
But Y?

17:55 Creampuff  
I just remembered that Oikawa might come in 2 ruin it

17:55 He be rollin to the beat   
Holy shit then I would have 2 meet Oikawa 

17:55 Creampuff  
Trust me u don't want that

17:55 He be rollin to the beat   
But if I meet Oikawa don't I get the chance to meet our saucy muscle man

17:55 Creampuff  
Gaybe that's really sly I didn't know u have the hots for our muscle man (he's kinda married 2 Oikawa tho)

17:56 He be rollin to the beat   
Ok but I don't "have the hots" for him I just want a good fuck 

17:56 Creampuff  
Babe u should know when 2 stop

17:56 Creampuff  
Unemotional sex isn't best sex

17:56 He be rollin to the beat   
And u r the sexpert? A Virgin?

17:56 Creampuff   
Ok now u went 2 far

17:57 Creampuff  
I can take a lot

17:57 He be rollin to the beat   
Idk if u can take a lot, u r a virgin after all so yeah

17:57 Creampuff   
U piece of trash

17:57 He be rollin to the beat   
:)

17:57 Creampuff  
How dare u come here, insult me and step over my feelings like that

17:58 He be rollin to the beat  
Dude ur rlly sensitive about this 

17:58 He be rollin to the beat   
Could it b that I was spot on

17:58 Creampuff  
No

17:58 Creampuff  
Could it b that ur a jerk?

17:58 Creampuff  
Yes

17:59 He be rollin to the beat  
Bro I appreciate the effort

17:59 He be rollin to the beat  
But stating the obvious is only wasting ur time 

17:59 Creampuff   
Bro 

17:59 Creampuff  
Anyway like

17:59 Creampuff  
It's almost Valentines Day

17:59 Creampuff  
U should get me a bee movie body pillow

18:00 He be rollin to the beat   
First up: it's the 17th of April wtf  
Second up: a bee movie body pillow??? Do those exist????

18:01 Creampuff   
No unfortunately they dont but every1 makes things themselves on valentines day 

18:01 He be rollin to the beat   
Are u implying that i should make such a monstrosity with my own hands?

18:01 Creampuff  
Yeh y not 

18:01 He be rollin to the beat   
I know what I'll give u instead

18:02 He be rollin to the beat   
[ here u go](https://www.amazon.com/Shrek-Plush-Fleece-Pillow-White/dp/B017DNLZ1O)

18:02 Creampuff   
Ohohoho I'm curious 

18:05 He be rollin to the beat   
Wait are u okay did I kill u with the shrek

18:07 Creampuff  
…

18:07 Creampuff  
I bought it

18:07 He be rollin to the beat   
No u didn't 

18:07 Creampuff  
I fucking did

18:07 He be rollin to the beat   
DID U EVEN SEE HOW EXPENSIVE THAT WAS

18:07 Creampuff  
I just couldn't resist

18:07 He be rollin to the beat   
Dude u r hopeless that was supposed 2 b my special gift 2 u 

18:08 Creampuff  
At least I have the body pillow

18:08 He be rollin to the beat   
That's rlly sad 2 say

18:08 He be rollin to the beat   
You've got me 2

18:08 Creampuff  
That's rlly gay 2 say

18:09 He be rollin to the beat   
I know

18:09 Creampuff  
Anyway tomorrow, around 9, I'll send u the address of the club soon

18:09 He be rollin to the beat   
Ok then, fine with that

18:10 He be rollin to the beat   
Anyway I gtg have fun with ur pillow to be and see u tomorrow

18:10 Creampuff  
Bye babe

18:10 He be rollin to the beat   
*gaybe


	9. I'm sorry for being such a pain in the ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh heavens, wouldn't you look at the time. It's let's get back at Oikawa and get way too wasted o'clock."

Matsukawa looked in the mirror one last time, while brushing off some nonexistent dust. Would Hanamaki like this outfit? If you could even really call it an outfit… It wasn't anything special, even though it were Matsukawa's favorite clothes. Just a black sweatshirt and jeans, accessorized with a black and white beanie. It was simple and comfortable, but for the first time, Matsukawa doubted the clothes. He tried to shake off the feeling. This was better than overdressing and looking really desperate, right? Besides, Hanamaki also seemed like the type to dress himself casual. Matsukawa's body felt tensed up. This would all be so much easier if he hadn't panicked and lied about being Kindaichi. Why did he do that anyway? Was it really the only thing his brain thought of? With a sigh, he closed the door behind him and walked to the club. 

It was a hip place, not too busy but still  
having lots of people around. Matsukawa desperately looked around, until he saw the pink hair he was looking for. He clenched his fists, approached Hanamaki. The latter looked up in surprise as he noticed Matsukawa. "Kindaichi!" There it was. The dreaded tug in Matsukawa's stomach as he knew he had to explain this mess. "Hey… Hanamaki." Hanamaki smiled, possibly because of Matsukawa remembering his name. "So, how are you?" Matsukawa took a deep breath. "I'm…not the one you think I am. I'm-"

Unfortunately, he had to pause because of an unwanted arm resting on his shoulder. As he turned around to see who did this to him, he saw; "Oikawa? Don't- How are you here? Did you stalk me again," Hanamaki said tired. It was the first time Matsukawa saw Oikawa. The brunet was pretty, and kind of the type Matsukawa expected him to be. A man with the expression of a tired single mom with seven kids walked up to the group. Matsukawa realized he recognized the stranger's arms, and thus came to the conclusion that this had to be the muscle man Iwaizumi himself. "Iwaizumi how could you let this happen to me? I'm an innocent civilian who prays to god everyday, this shouldn't be happening to me." Hanamaki shot Matsukawa a quick confused look, unnoticeable to Iwaizumi who just sighed. "You try to be his babysitter 24/7 then. See if you like it. Be glad that I could at least stop him from preparing the date." Hanamaki looked a bit annoyed. "I don't want Matsu to have to deal with you, Oikawa. You're gonna be annoying and tell embarrassing stories and I just know you have that photo of me playing in the kiddie pool naked when I was five." Oikawa huffed annoyed. "You lied to Ushiwaka-chan about me having a dildo stuck in my ass. Hey-that's not funny! Stop laughing! Ushiwaka won't stop giving me this judgmental but curious look now and it's not fun!"  
Oikawa's attempt to make Hanamaki and Matsukawa stop snickering (even Iwaizumi was snorting now) failed completely, making the three burst into harder laughs. "I'm sorry for being such a pain in the ass," Hanamaki then said smugly. "Oh.My.God. I hate you!" Oikawa started whining, but then laughed. He retrieved a photo from his pockets, still grinning. "But, you're right Makki! I have that photo. You're interested, Mattsun?" Just as Hanamaki opened his mouth, he shut it. "This isn't Matsu. I forgot to introduce him, but we've met before and I saw him here by accident. His name is Kindaichi." 

Matsukawa just prayed, hoped, that this wasn't turning out that way. He tried to get in between, but Oikawa was faster. "But according to the pic I saw, this is Mattsun." The pic, as Oikawa called it, was something Matsukawa randomly had to send at 3 am because Oikawa wanted to know what he looked like before 'he went off with his childhood friend', after which Matsukawa got a lot of dubious and boring style advices, along with some lucky compliments.  
"W-what?" Hanamaki sounded cautious, but still confused. Then his eyes widened, finally aware of the situation. He stuttered, had no way out of his words, so just threw a hurt look at Matsukawa and ran out. "Got to run," Matsukawa said to Iwaizumi and Oikawa, chasing Hanamaki.

Hanamaki sat outside, balancing on a low brick wall. "Hey," Matsukawa said. It was supposed to sound casual, but it sounded anxious. "Why didn't you tell me?" Hanamaki's voice was low and very soft. "I'm sorry. I just panicked. Oikawa told me that house was his. I didn't know." Hanamaki turned around, facing Matsukawa now. "I indirectly told you that you were pretty and… y'know, stuff. Do I freak you out now?" Matsukawa shook his head. "Nah. I thought you were pretty too," he said casually, finally easing up a little. That seemed to shock Hanamaki. "Y-you do?"  
With a crooked grin Matsukawa replied: "Yup."  
Then he averted his gaze to his watch. "Oh heavens, wouldn't you look at the time. It's let's get back at Oikawa and get way too wasted o'clock." Hanamaki grinned back. "Hell yeah, gayby."   
"Are you implying that I am an infant? And revising your earlier statement about my prettiness, isn't that a kind of pedophilia you're showing?"  
Hanamaki reacted with played indignity. "Fuck you".  
"Yup. Pedophilia confirmed."


	10. Boy, you legit look like a burned sweet potato

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 02:33 Creampuff  
> Fuck off
> 
> 02:33 Iwa-chan <3  
> Hm, if there's any One that needs your fucking I'd sa y it be Mattsun ^o^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow I'll be going on a holiday for two weeks. There won't be good wi-fi, so I'll be going on hiatus. Maybe I'll write something, and then post everything once I'm back, but I'll see. Anyway, thanks for all the attention this got! You guys are wonderful.

The plan was getting drunk and annoying Oikawa. The plan wasn't Oikawa getting drunk and annoying everyone. Yet here he was, loudly talking about conspiracies of some sort, pausing to take a chug of beer every now and then. Iwaizumi had his head buried in his hands. "I shouldn't have went to the toilet without him. Can't I ever just leave him without this shit happening?"   
Hanamaki was filming Oikawa, grinning as he added the video to his Snapchat story. Hanamaki had a beer as well, but he wasn't a lightweight like Oikawa, he assured, so he wasn't going to turn into a hot mess. "You better keep it that way. I'm not dealing with two drunk disasters," Iwaizumi growled. He glanced back to Oikawa. "Oh fuck no."

The brunet, still swaying from left to right, unable to get a grip, was facing no one other than Ushijima Wakatoshi. Iwaizumi grabbed his bag and ran towards them. Hanamaki grinned. "This is gonna get good. Follow me, Mattsun."  
"I do not understand," Ushijima's dull voice said. "It appears you are drunk. Could that be the cause of this?" Oikawa just let out a high pitched laugh. "Boy, you legit look like a burned sweet potato." Ushijima frowned. "Do I? I wasn't aware of such thing. Then again, if you are drunk, maybe it's just gibberish." Oikawa had a creepy smile plastered on his face. "You little fuck," he said in a french accent. That got him into a laughing fit. "I love that video," he howled, in between laughs. Iwaizumi pushed people aside and grabbed Oikawa's arm, violently tugging him along, out of the way. Hanamaki stopped recording and uploaded it to Snapchat once again. "I forgot how much I loved drunk Oikawa," he said swooning. "Are you ditching me for a drunk guy making up conspiracies? Dude," Matsukawa answered. "They're not made up! The aliens will come on the thirtieth of February! It's confirmed!" Hanamaki and Matsukawa just bursted into laughter. Iwaizumi sighed loudly and pulled Oikawa outside, excusing himself to Hanamaki and Matsukawa. "Well then," Matsukawa grinned. "Shots?" Hanamaki gave an affirming nod. "Shots."

"Jesus fucking Christ, Oikawa. Only you would be so dumb to get drunk here." Oikawa giggled. "You're hot when you cuss." Iwaizumi gave him a threatening look. "You're hot when you shut the hell up and stop getting into trouble." Oikawa stroked his brown hair, a soft blush decorating his cheeks. "Iwa-chan, not here. The people, Iwa-chan. They'll see us." Iwaizumi paused a while to process Oikawa's words, but then his cheeks turned a little red . "What are you talking about?! There's nothing for them to see! Trashykawa! Stupidkawa!" Oikawa leaned forward, hands cupping Iwaizumi's face. "Now there is, right Iwa-chan?" Iwaizumi tried to pull back, but he failed. He didn't want to hurt Oikawa, but this situation… It was uncomfortable to say the least. Iwaizumi had to admit he wasn't that against the thought of kissing Oikawa, but not now. Not when Oikawa was drunk and maybe wouldn't even remember this evening when he woke up. And especially not when there was a chance that he'd wake up and remember everything, but then their friendship would turn awkward. Iwaizumi wouldn't risk their friendship, wouldn't risk all their years, all the memories, just for one stupid kiss. "Don't," he warned Oikawa. "Oikawa, you don't truly want this. This is just drunk stuff. So don't do it."  
Oikawa nodded, but his mind still seemed far away. For once, it was hard for Iwaizumi to read his friend. "But what if I want to?"  
Iwaizumi sighed. Oikawa didn't want it at all, not really. "Look. I don't care if you kiss me. I wouldn't really mind. But not when you're drunk and shit. If you want to kiss me, go ahead. But when you're sober. When you're sure that you want to kiss." Just after he'd spoken those words, Iwaizumi realized how much it sounded like a confession. Normal friends didn't tell each other that they could kiss, right? Oikawa blinked slowly. Then he leaned in further and kissed Iwaizumi. 

"Where are Iwa and Kawa?" Matsukawa was drunk. He'd seen more shots this evening than he saw in his entire life. Worse, they had lost count of how many shots they've had, which meant they still had no shots champion. Hanamaki was also pretty drunk, from what Matsukawa could tell. Luckily, neither of them was the "so drunk I can't properly talk type". "Either Iwa is hitting Oikawa or hitting on Oikawa." Matsukawa gasped. "Oh my god they like each other."   
"Why else would Oikawa have so many arm pics?"   
"Because Iwa's arms are reasons not to skip arm day?"  
Hanamaki grinned. "Ok that's true. Like, I've been arm wrestling this dude forever. I haven't won once." Hanamaki looked at his own arms, like he was hoping to see the kinda bulk on there that Iwaizumi had. Unfortunately, they were still the same. "You have stunning arms bro, don't worry. They're just not capable of defeating the bara god that is Iwa," Matsukawa said comfortingly. Hanamaki smiled a little. "Thanks darling," he said in a British accent. "Honey," Matsukawa added. "Sugar." "Egg." "Flour." They both got into a giggling fit. When it finally stopped, Matsukawa checked his watch. "Hm… I think I'll go home soon." Hanamaki nodded. "Fine by me." Matsukawa reached for his pockets, but then paused. "Oh holy fucking- fuck no." Hanamaki looked up, surprised by this sudden outburst. "What is it?"  
"My key. I think I lost it." Hanamaki shook his head. "How romantic comedy protagonist can you get? Well, I'll play along and offer you to stay at my place, then." Matsukawa looked relieved. "Really? Thanks, dude. But wait, won't Iwaizumi and Oikawa mind?" Hanamaki shrugged. "Nah. Oikawa is too drunk to mind, and Iwaizumi may be the bara god but he wouldn't hurt a fly. Literally. He's the type that takes out spiders instead of getting a flamethrower and annihilating that bitch. I'll text him though."  
After Hanamaki finished the text, they paid for the shots, and went out, leaving behind the alcohol and loud music. It was cold outside. The sky was clear, allowing the two a good view on the stars. Matsukawa smiled, and lost in thought, he walked closer to Hanamaki, only to notice he had been doing the exact same thing. 

02:32 Creampuff  
Iwaizumi me and Matsu r going home. Just so u know C ya soon.

02:33 Iwa-chan <3  
Have funn with your new fuckbuddy Makki~ xx your bestie Kawa

02:33 Creampuff  
Fuck off

02:33 Iwa-chan <3  
Hm, if there's any One that needs your fucking I'd sa y it be Mattsun ^o^

02:33 Creampuff  
U r dead next time I c u. I don't care if that means Iwaizumi will be single again, I'll slit ur damn throat

02:34 Iwa-chan <3  
Ahhh h, swet ^3^ anywa yy I'll have to go bac k to my Iwachan, byebye Makki~

02:34 Creampuff   
U little fuck


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "No homo."

A ray of light hit Matsukawa's face, awaking him from his sleep. With eyes still shut, he felt the environment. He froze up when he noticed he was clutching something soft in his arms. The softness was hugging up to him, Matsukawa felt the presence from his toes to his torso. Was it… a body? That statement scared Matsukawa more than it comforted him. He tried to recall last night. His first meeting with Hanamaki, the big reveal, Oikawa being drunk, Hanamaki being drunk with Matsukawa himself…   
After that, the memories were blank, blurred away. Matsukawa didn't want to think that, holy fuck, it happened. Did he and Hanamaki really? He finally decided to just do it and look at whatever he was hugging up to. Please let it be Hanamaki… Matsukawa surprised himself with his own thoughts. He tried to push it aside. After all, Hanamaki was pretty, had a good personality, was the first one not to groan at Matsukawa's jokes but instead add in something, and almost everything he said could make Matsukawa laugh. That list was extremely normal, just guy stuff, nothing special. But then, at the very moment Matsukawa turned around to see who was next to him, he realized it. He had a crush on Hanamaki. And even worse, the soft presence was just a god damn shrek body pillow.

Hanamaki's laughter brightened the room. It was beautiful, and Matsukawa wanted to hear it every morning, as he woke up. Just as he took a moment to stop and think about that statement and how sappy it was, he realized that this room wasn't his. And judging from the huge dat boi poster that was plastered on the wall, it wasn't a hotel room either. It was Hanamaki's. Which meant that this house was Hanamaki's, this bed was Hanamaki's. Hanamaki had taken Matsukawa to his home. Matsukawa forced himself to stop thinking about this issue and get back to what happened just now: the shrek body pillow prank. He couldn't stay silent for too long. "Hanamaki, what the fuck." Hanamaki wiped a tear away. "I thought that I could wake you up like a real Fiona." Matsukawa shook his head. "If I'm Fiona, which shrek character are you?" Hanamaki seemed deep in thought, but then he answered: "C'mon, you know I'm totally Prince Charming." It was just a joke. Was it? Or was this just away to make fun of Matsukawa, of his ridiculous crush? It was stupid of him to feel so shaken up after a joke. All he could do now was the usual: laugh and retort. "You mean you're overshadowed by your mom, have an intense hate against ogres, and you are a fuckboy?" Hanamaki chuckled. "Close enough. But my real Shrek spirit animal is, of course, the man himself." Matsukawa raised a brow. "And I'm Fiona? Sure, Jan." Again, such an unfortunate joke. It was just now that their intimacy was showing to Matsukawa. Things that were normal, just things between him and Hanamaki, felt like a big deal now. Matsukawa kinda wished he hadn't noticed his crush on Hanamaki. It was so unfair having an one-sided crush on your friend who you're also quite intimate with. "My name's not Jan, darling." It was just a joke. It. Was. Just. A. Joke. That "darling" didn't mean shit, so pull yourself together, Matsukawa thought panicked. "My name's not Darling either, but here we are. Besides, what even happened last night?"  
Hanamaki flashed a devilish smirk. "Well, you got drunk and proposed to me." Matsukawa didn't know if he didn't believe it or just didn't want to believe it. "I didn't," he deadpanned. "Okay no, you didn't. We were both drunk, you couldn't find your keys, I took you here. Or maybe you want to know if something more happened?" That smirk was still there. "T-Takahiro-senpai… I didn't know you were interested in me like that," Matsukawa stuttered, mimicking the shy kouhai trope, pouting slightly, He probably imagined the faint pink appearing on Hanamaki's cheeks, but it wasn't just an imagination that the comment left Hanamaki speechless. After a few seconds he finally replied. "Wow. Anyway. Want something to eat before you go?" Matsukawa hesitated a little.   
"Hm, nah. I've bothered you for long enough, I would say. Gotta head home now." Matsukawa grinned, tried to look as comfortable as possible. He prayed to God it didn't seem like he was running away from Hanamaki. "Okay, fine by me."  
Matsukawa got out of bed, clothes from last night still on, and followed Hanamaki to the door. "Hey, it was fun last night. We should meet up more often. No homo," Hanamaki said. "Yeah. No homo."  
Except I have a huge gay crush on you and I know you're gay too, Matsukawa added in his thoughts.

When Matsukawa came home, he firstly scheduled two hours to lay on his bed and think about the situation. Also, he may or may not have wallowed in self pity the entire two hours. After those two hours, he had a decision to make. Should he tell someone? All of his friends have already heard about Hanamaki, but which one could handle this the best? He didn't think any of his close friends could help him with this. He only had one option, and even though it had his risks, there was no other way. Matsukawa sighed and dialed the number. 

"Hey dude waddup?" Another slow sigh from Matsukawa."Hey Kuroo." "You sound tired bro. Are you okay?" Kuroo's voice sounded concerned now. Matsukawa, who knew what was coming, shifted around uncomfortably, and then admitting: "You remember Hanamaki?" Kuroo paused, but then resumed with: "Ah, Matsukawa is in love!" Matsukawa felt himself getting hotter. "I'm… What? How do you even?" Kuroo laughed, obviously happy with himself. "All the good crush stories start with 'you remember this guy'. Mostly. It's either that or gossip. But since I'm a genius and figured that you wouldn't call me to gossip about a friend I don't know, I know you're in love. So how bad is it?" Matsukawa scoffed, a tad annoyed. "I may have thought that I wanted to wake up to the sound of him laughing," he answered reluctantly. "Dude, that's really gay." Kuroo started laughing himself."I know," Matsukawa said tiredly, "but I need advice." Kuroo's laughter faded, and he was silent, and after a while he finally said : "You need to be casual. Don't show anything more than usual. Don't dress up fancy or whatever. Just be you. Be kind, though, that's important." Matsukawa thought about it, summarized it as "casual but kind", thanked Kuroo and hung up. Now he just had to use the tip.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Okay so do you remember Hanamaki? Single, addicted to memes, owns a dat boi poster?"

Hanamaki sighed again as he looked at his bed. Just for your information, this wasn't his usual pastime. It was just that, oh my god, Matsukawa has been in that bed. And Hanamaki had been laying next to him, although he didn't tell Matsukawa that. Mostly because it surely wouldn't mean anything to Matsukawa, while just recalling that moment made Hanamaki's heart skip a few beats. And even though Hanamaki didn't want to bring that cursed word into his mind, he knew he had to. He had a crush on Matsukawa. He didn't know how or why, he had no idea since when because he realized he may have been crushing on him for a while but just was too stupid to notice it. And after coming to this horrifying and quite sad conclusion, Hanamaki decided that he needed advice. So after a slight hesitation, he called Iwaizumi. 

You know what would've been nice? Oikawa not always being on Iwaizumi's phone whenever Hanamaki wants to talk to Iwaizumi about Matsukawa. However, the world didn't allow this blessing to happen, so when Hanamaki blurted out: "Iwaizumi, I have a crush on Matsukawa help me please," Oikawa was the one responding. "Makki! I knew it! Did you two fuck?" Hanamaki's face turned bright red. "Why the actual fucking hell are you picking up? Heck, I'm never contacting Iwaizumi ever again. Secondly, no we didn't do anything. You better have some good advice or whatever, for all that it's worth." After a short silence Oikawa answered: "You need to be extravagant. Dress up fancy. Don't be your plain usual self. Go the extra mile. Stay friendly though, you don't want act like a slut." Hanamaki took the advice as 'fancy but friendly', kind of thanked Oikawa, then hung up. Now it was important to find a quick way to put the advice to good use.   
Matsukawa tried to think of the most casual way he could invite Hanamaki for another "date". The thing about having a crush was that things that were once normal and could be done without thinking about it, were a big deal now. How could he be casual after the realization? At least he was glad he asked Kuroo. Kuroo lived in Tokyo, so even if he was the kind of person to blackmail Matsukawa with this newly acquired information, he knew no one that Matsukawa knew as well. His secret was safe. Or at least he thought it was.

Oikawa and Kuroo hadn't been friends for long, but they already were quite close. They had the same character, and that bonded them. The distance between them prevented them from meeting up in real life, but they had lots of contact on the phone, like texting, calling or through Skype. And obviously, the news they just got had to be shared. Oikawa called first. He didn't take time to say hi, starting the conversation with an extremely loud, high pitched: "Oh my god Kuroo." Kuroo didn't sound fazed in the slightest, reacting with an: "Oh my god Oikawa." Oikawa breathed slowly, then began blabbering: "Okay so do you remember Hanamaki? Single, addicted to memes, owns a dat boi poster?" Kuroo chuckled. "Of course I do, you've told me enough good stories about him. What about him?"   
"He has a crush on this guy called Matsukawa. I haven't told you about him, but I met him and they're, like, the exact same. Honestly it's so cute, and I'm totally gonna get them together."  
Kuroo suddenly bursted into a laughing fit. "Okay, so get this. I have a friend. He's called Matsukawa. He also has this huge gay crush on a guy called Hanamaki. It's endearing and I am going to set them up." Oikawa didn't take the time to react, he just screamed. Multiple times. Way louder than necessary. It didn't help that Kuroo kept yelling: "Yes, I know right?" This ritual lasted for a few minutes. And when the two finally calmed down, they both got a piece of paper and wrote down their matchmaking plans together. It was time to liven up things a little. 

According to Oikawa, the nearby park emitted a pure, natural, romantic vibe, and thus it was the place to be for victims of crushes. Oikawa also acted like this was basic information, which really got Hanamaki thinking where he had been when the park got selected as romantic spot. Was he really that ignorant when it came to love? That aside, Hanamaki didn't really have any choice than to go with Oikawa's advice and ask Matsukawa to go with him to the park. Hanamaki was overjoyed when Matsukawa accepted. He dressed up nicely, in more fancy clothes than what he'd usually wear. Oikawa was right, he had to go the extra mile. The park he had chosen was nearby, so he had enough time to spend on preparations. He decided to take some extra money with him, so he could treat Matsukawa to something. He took more time to properly groom himself, combed his hair with more care instead of just roughly brushing through in random areas, washed his face. When he finally stepped outside and locked the door behind him, he crossed his fingers and prayed to the gods one last time before heading to the park.


	13. What a nuisance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "C'mon, hot stuff. You should know I have lots of CDs. The only one I need now is U2."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is this

Matsukawa was over the moon with Hanamaki's invite. The moment he read the text ("Ey, maybe we can meet @ Hohoemi park?") he could swear he was dreaming. However, it wasn't a dream, and Hanamaki was waiting for him. Matsukawa was dressed casual, didn't spend any more time on preparing himself than needed. He made sure he was clean and his clothes were nice, but that was all. He had left somewhat too late as well, to strengthen the feeling of naturalness. He didn't want to look like he hadn't slept properly because of this meeting. (Not that he had slept more than four hours.) Tensed up, but hopelessly trying to relax, Matsukawa walked to their meeting place. It was close to a pond, one of the many ponds in the park, the surfaces covered in colorful flower petals. However, to Matsukawa, Hanamaki was the one bringing the color in the landscape. After he reminded himself how not casual that sounded, he sat down next to Hanamaki. He was five minutes late. "Sorry that I'm late. Did you have to wait long?" Hanamaki shrugged. "It's okay, it wasn't that long." Matsukawa tried to hold in a sigh of relieve. "Should we go take a walk then," Matsukawa asked. Hanamaki nodded, and together they walked away from the soft grass and silent ponds. 

Rule number one: never take Oikawa's advice. Hanamaki should've known it was too good to be true. Oikawa just didn't have it in him. It was all going right, the two were walking and happily chatting when he came. Whoever "he" may be, it was no coincidence, and without a doubt Oikawa's work. "He" had soft dark brown hair, narrow eyes, and a permanent smirk. He said that his name was Jouhou. Hanamaki didn't believe him for one second. That name was the only information "Jouhou" gave before he broke into a continuous flow of pick up lines, compliments and flirtatious remarks. A flow directed to Hanamaki only. Oikawa was fucking dead.   
Matsukawa had no idea what to do. This sudden thing had ruined his whole plan. He had to stay casual, but he wanted that Jouhou guy to be gone. Now. Not only was Jouhou trying to steal Hanamaki away from him, he had to admit that Jouhou was hot. He just possessed this flirty energy that made him special and outstanding. He emitted danger and temptation. It also reminded Matsukawa of the fact that he didn't have any of those auras like Jouhou had. Sure, Matsukawa knew he was a tease, but not the hot type. Matsukawa knew he hated Jouhou already, and he wanted to hit himself after realizing that it was because Jouhou was not only flirting with Hanamaki, but also because Jouhou made Matsukawa insecure. Because come on, Matsukawa was kinda plain when it came to looks. Whereas hot and annoying stranger was, well, hot. Somewhere deep inside Matsukawa was scared that Hanamaki would give in to Jouhou's charms, his kinda bad but still sexy pick up lines, his husky voice and damn beautiful eyes. Matsukawa also knew that, fuck being casual, he would stop Hanamaki from doing that. It would probably make him look like a clingy yandere type of guy, but he'd rather be clingy than without Hanamaki. Matsukawa glanced over to his crush. Hanamaki's face was closed and unreadable. Matsukawa couldn't tell what this situation did to Hanamaki. Maybe he was deciding if he should go with Jouhou? After all, to Hanamaki, Matsukawa was just a friend. He didn't owe Matsukawa anything special. On the other hand, wouldn't Hanamaki have reacted faster if he was planning to go with the brunet, who hadn't stopping flirting?   
"Hm. Thanks. But I'm not interested," Hanamaki said after a while. Did Matsukawa imagine the annoyance he heard in Hanamaki's voice? Also, what the actual hell? Hanamaki's rejection wasn't even that surprising, but the way the words were spoken was. The words were cold and emotionless. They didn't seem to fit Hanamaki, who Matsukawa only knew as a jokester, a happy go lucky kinda guy. Jouhou pouted. "C'mon, hot stuff. You should know I have lots of CDs. The only one I need now is U2."  
Even though that pick up line was laughably bad, Hanamaki didn't smile. "I suggest you leave now," he said icily. Jouhou shrugged. "If you say so. See you next time." He walked away, hands tucked in his pockets.

"What a nuisance," Hanamaki sighed, an annoyed frown still on his face as he watched Jouhou walk away. Matsukawa hummed in agreement. He didn't know what to say to break the icy layer that Jouhou brought with him. Hanamaki's coldness still kinda left him speechless. He felt like he witnessed something he shouldn't have seen. "How about we get ice cream? There's a good place nearby," Hanamaki suggested. Matsukawa felt relieved that Hanamaki was the one bringing up a plan. "Sounds great." Hanamaki flashed Matsukawa a smile. "CDs, who buys them anyway in this day and age?" And even though it was a small gesture, it cleared up Matsukawa's mind.   
Hanamaki saw the clouds clearing away from Matsukawa's eyes after he made that comment. It satisfied him more than anything else would ever satisfy him. He was glad Jouhou was gone. It was just him and Matsukawa now. That was all they had, and all Hanamaki needed right now. He guided Matsukawa to the ice cream parlor. It was one of Hanamaki's favorites, with it's diverse flavors, trays that were always filled with colorful ice cream, and friendly employees. Every time Hanamaki was tempted to taste a new flavor combination, but this time he'd stick with his best so far: chocolate, citron and raspberry. "I'll pay for you," Hanamaki offered before Matsukawa could even try to get his wallet. Matsukawa smiled, the kind of smile you only gave to people who just did you a favor, full with surprise and kindness. "Thank you," he said, voice matching the smile. 

Matsukawa's eyes shone even more when he saw all the flavors and colors. In the end he went with melon, bubblegum and vanilla. Hanamaki paid, and they sat down on the bench just outside the parlor. "It's delicious!" Hanamaki just listened to Matsukawa's voice, to all of its beauty. It was so sparkly, bright and clear, but it was still deep and a bit hoarse. "You know what else is?" Hanamaki didn't wait on an answer. Instead, he leaned in and kissed Matsukawa on the lips. 


	14. Oh my fucking god make it stooooop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lets face it, without us you two would be single and lonely"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn look at this 200 year old thing I forgot to update and now it still sucks bc I'm mediocre at writing and this chapter is old af :)

It all happened in a flash. One second Matsukawa was praising the ice cream, which was honestly one of the best things he had eaten in a while, and suddenly he was tasting Hanamaki's lips instead. Matsukawa wanted to know how or why they got into this situation, but his mind went numb. It could only focus on one thing: the kiss. He was kissing Hanamaki. Hanamaki was kissing him. He tasted like chocolate, citron and raspberry, he smelled like aftershave, but also like love.   
The kiss was sweeter than the ice cream. Hanamaki's scent and taste were new to Matsukawa, but they felt normal, like Matsukawa was used to them already. Hanamaki felt like coming home. So Matsukawa kissed back. He didn't really know if this was the right thing, but his entire body screamed it was. Matsukawa's hand naturally found its way to Hanamaki's hair, his fingers drew circles in the sea of pink. Hanamaki grabbed hold of Matsukawa's middle, where they rested. They stayed like that for a little, then both pulled back after just the right amount of time. They looked each other in the eyes, unsure what to say or if it even was right to break the silence. "Matsukawa." Hanamaki didn't sound insecure anymore. The kiss had cleared away the doubts. "Will you be the Fiona to my Shrek?" Matsukawa's laugh wasn't insecure either. "Yes, I do." 

Suddenly, the bushes nearby made an applauding sound.   
Oikawa stood up, brushing a few leaves off. Kuroo and Jouhou followed after him. "Kuroo what the fuck are you doing here," Matsukawa said flatly. Kuroo smirked. "I'm just helping you in your love life, dear Mattsun." Hanamaki sighed. "Oikawa, I knew you'd scheme some shit and I knew Jouhou over there was your minion but what the hell." Oikawa had the most shit eating grin a human could ever wear plastered on his face. "Lets face it: without us you two would still be single and lonely." Jouhou took a step forward. "I just accepted Oikawa's offer because friend stuff and honestly I love drama like the one you two had. Also, name's Daishou Suguru. Nice to meet you for real."   
"Anyway, we can all talk this through later. Firstly, congratulations to your marriage! I'm sure you make a good couple. We'll take our leave now. Have fun, see you!" The three turned around and walked away like some chick flick squad, leaving Hanamaki and Matsukawa on their own. "I shouldn't have trusted Kuroo. How did he even meet Oikawa?" Hanamaki gestured to the three. "See them walking like the high school basic bitches." Matsukawa laughed. "True. Anyway, dear Shrek, shall we kiss once more?" Hanamaki nodded. "Of course, Fiona."

Oikawa complained loudly when he checked his Snapchat. "Oh my fucking God make it stoooooop." The picture he just received was one of Matsukawa and Hanamaki kissing obnoxiously. Ever since they got together, they've stalked Oikawa with sappy love pictures, because he was so 'involved in their love life, after all.' It annoyed the crap out of Oikawa, especially because Iwaizumi, who was his boyfriend since a week, refused to do this stuff with him. Oikawa sent a pic of him flipping a middle finger, with the caption 'get your gross bs out of here'. It was just five minutes later when he got another picture. He almost got a heart attack upon seeing it, dropping his phone. He quickly observed the photo better, and sighed from relief upon discovering it wasn't them having sex. They were just kinda pretending to have sex. And photographing it. And sending it to Oikawa. "Oh my fucking god these guys shouldn't have met each other," Oikawa whispered.


End file.
